Relationships and Wellbeing

Part 1. Relationship with Self.

Positive or flourishing relationships result in a range of benefits for wellbeing. These benefits include practical and emotional support, physical health, and social development. Relationships in entropy, those that are in chaos or breakdown, have devastating consequences for our wellbeing. As a young married mum, I became aware of the complexity of relationships. Within my family unit I recognized that I needed to relate in at least 3 ways; to myself, to my partner, and to my children. I saw family life as a three-ring circus. A three ringed circus has three rings, which holds simultaneous performances. I realised that the individuals within a couple need to give attention to the couple, to the the family and to themselves. It is widely accepted that giving time and attention to couple relationships and family relationships helps them to flourish. However, the relationship with self is just as important and is often not considered at all.

Wired to connect

We are wired to connect with others and if our need for love, affection and belonging is not met we are likely to feel lonely and worthless. Whenever we engage with another person our brains link up and perform an elaborate dance. Our brains are shaped by repeated experiences, in the form of neuroplasticity, and the quality of our relationships can have a positive or negative effect on our biology, our health and our well-being. Positive psychologist Barbara Fredrickson proposed that positive emotions have a purpose; they build our resources and broaden our outlook. Purposeful, positive behaviours evoke these positive emotions, which encourage the long-term investment essential to the development of relationship bonds.

Flourishing relationships require such skills as empathy and accountability and virtues such as courage and authenticity. At the crux of a flourishing relationship is feeling safe enough to be vulnerable. The vagal nerve plays a crucial role in the parasympathetic nervous system, which calms and soothes us. Social safety cues, such as empathic body language and a soothing voice, stimulate the vagal nerve. This effect on the vagal nerve helps us to feel safe and enables us to connect with others on an emotional level. When we give ourselves social safety cues we have the potential to be more authentic, this leads to feeling safely vulnerable and connecting effectively with others.

Self Compassion

We can give ourselves social safety cues by practicing self-compassion and being kind to ourselves. Self compassion expert Kirsten Neff suggests that there are three components to self compassion. Firstly, kindness to our own suffering; actively treating ourselves as we would treat a friend. Secondly, that suffering is part of our common experience or humanity and thirdly, the art of mindfulness; pausing to acknowledge and comfort difficult feelings. Relating to our own pain with kindness and acceptance will help us to be compassionate to the pain of others. If people are kind people to themselves they are more likely to be kind to their partners. Whether this is due to taking part in a self-compassionate practice or because harmonious relationships encourage self-compassion is unclear. Either way it seems that self compassion may enhance our relationship with self and others.

Self Awareness

Through observing ourselves we learn about our own behaviour. We can learn further about ourselves when we observe our interaction with others. Asking for and being able to receive feedback is a key factor in raising self-awareness. When self-awareness is raised it is likely to lead to ‘insight’; those light bulb moments that give us more understanding of ourselves. With insight comes the opportunity to understand others and to address patterns of behaviour. At the core of personal development is emotional intelligence; being able to identify and manage our own feelings and emotions. Positive psychology has a strong focus on developing a positive core, which is a strength based approach.

We bring our self to our relationships and how we relate to ourselves is likely to determine the quality of our relationships. We have explored how self awareness and self compassion are the building blocks of a positive relationship with ourselves. The positive psychology behaviours of strengths and savouring are relevant to all relationships (self, couple, family) and will be discussed in Part 2.