Relationship With Partner
Romantic relationships are desired and sought after yet divorce rates are evidence that relationships are not always easy to maintain. We bring our self to our relationships. How we relate to ourselves is likely to determine the quality of our relationships (Part 1 Blog). In Part 1, Relationship with Self, I talked about the importance of self-awareness and self-compassion in relationships. We saw how when we are more compassionate to ourselves, we are more compassionate to others. In Part 2, we are going to explore appreciating our partners by using the skills of savouring and strengths spotting. The more value we place on practicing these positive behaviours, the more resilient our relationship will be.
Strengths in your relationship
Can you name your strengths easily? Only a third of the population are able to identify their strengths if asked to name them. Having confidence in naming our strengths has many benefits. It leads to better health and relationships and improves our well-being and life satisfaction. People are often ‘blind’ to a personal strength as they view strengths as ‘ordinary’ rather than ‘extraordinary’. It is important to learn the language of strengths so that you can identify yours and others strengths. There are various ways to increase knowledge of our strengths. These include, self-reported questionnaires, strength spotting of our own strengths and asking for feedback from others.
Savouring in your relationship
Savouring is the conscious awareness of pleasure as it occurs and involves paying attention to positive experiences. These positive experiences can be related to the past, present or future. Savouring also includes generating, maintaining or increasing the positive emotions related to the experience. It seems that being present is a popular goal for current society and is one way to increase savouring activities. However, savouring can also be related to past pleasures and anticipated future pleasures. It can increase positive emotions and reduce feelings of hopelessness. Savouring is often more difficult when we are busy. Slowing our pace of life and focusing on pleasure is one way to increase positive emotion.
Kindness and Appreciation
Two of the tasks a couple need to negotiate are friendship and accepting difference. Happy couples prioritize kindness and build it into their relationships. Kind acts can evoke similar behaviour from a partner and this can lead to upward spirals of positive emotion. The emotional connection in a relationship grows trust, deepens loyalty and increases positive emotions. Sharon Salzberg states that the space between a couple will “wax and wane over time, pushed and pulled by circumstances”. She adds that self-awareness enables us to ‘know where we end and another person begins’. The challenge then is to keep the friendship going even though the relationship dynamic may change.
Synergy and Accepting Difference
If you want a chicken to be a duck and a duck to be a chicken you will suffer. This is a brilliant observation from Salzberg. Often our intention, conscious or unconscious, is to change our partners. The challenge is to accept that our partners are not the same as us, they are different. Accepting difference brings synergy into a relationship. Synergy in relationships is where the combined effect of the individuals is greater than what each individual brings. It is a mixing pot of strengths, knowledge and wisdom. Resistance to difference creates conflict and although some conflict is necessary in relationships to enable change, conflict management is important. Self-compassionate people accept that they are flawed and imperfect. They are more likely to apologize; therefore, conflicts may be more easily repaired.
Summary
We have explored how kindness, appreciation and accepting difference can improve our couple relationships. Being pro-active with positive behaviours, such as savouring and focussing on strengths, will increase your resilience. Resilience provides a buffer to stress and ensures that your relationships can develop and grow. With a strong sense of self, gained through self-awareness, our relationships with a partner will flourish and may lead to the creation of a family unit which will be discussed in Part 3.
Further reading
Brown, B. (n.d.). The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings on Authenticity,
Connection and Courage. Retrieved from https://audible.co.uk
Fredrickson, B. L. (2013). Love 2.0: Creating happiness and health in moments of connection. New York: Plume.
Goleman, D. (2006). Social Intelligence. New York: Hutchinson.
Loizzo, J. J. (2018). Love’s Brain: A conversation with Stephen Porges. Retrieved from https://nalandainstitute.org
Neff, K. (2013). Self-Compassion Step by Step:The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. Sounds True. Retrieved from https://audible.co.uk
Salzberg, S. (2017). Real Love The Art of Mindful Connection. London: Bluebird.
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2005). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. London: Orion Books Ltd.
Pileggi-Pawelski, S., & Pawelski, J. (2018). Happy together: Using the science of Positive Psychology to build love that lasts. New York: Tarcher Perigree.
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