Family Relationships
Family is a powerful institution that has the potential to enhance our happiness or leave us feeling isolated and unhappy. Milhaly Csikszentmihalyi says that this will be dependent on how much psychic energy each family member invests in each other; in a unified family an individual’s goals are important to all. He says that “One of the most basic delusions of our time is that home life takes care of itself naturally” and he suggests that the family needs a constant investment of attention, re-orientation of goals and a common purpose to prevent entropy in relationships.
Parenting practices are often cyclical; we model our parenting styles on the way that we were parented. A longitudinal study with 558 families, found that beliefs can be challenged and effective coping strategies learnt. The results of this study indicate that parenting interventions can break generational patterns of a cyclical nature and improve family relationships. I have witnessed the effect of parenting skills training on family relationships.
Positive Attachment in Relationships
Islay Downey & I used our experiences of teaching parenting skills to write the book, Parenting A Violent Child. We encouraged parents to ‘put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror’, we asked them to reflect on their own behaviour and identify where they could make some changes. In the book we focus on improving positive aspects of family relationships. In most situations it is very easy to notice negative behaviour, it is demanding, loud, intrusive. Positive behaviour can be subtle and may go unnoticed. Parents can introduce more positivity into family relationships by noticing positive behaviour, giving positive feedback, finding out what they have in common with their child and having fun together. These positive behaviors are like deposits in an emotional bank account. They demonstrate love, respect and kindness.
Love – The Positive Emotion
Barbara Fredrickson, who identified 10 positive emotions, says that Love is the supreme emotion. Love is a factor in the other 9 emotions, and primarily increases social bonds, closeness and trust. One way to nurture love in family relationships is the intention to listen and understand. Stephen Covey says that being understood is the emotional air that we breathe. When some-one is gasping for air, or understanding, nothing else matters. When we seek to understand in our relationships, we are giving others time and attention; it communicates love and commitment and generates self-esteem.
Parenting Styles – Love & Limits
Limits are a way of keeping children practically and emotionally safe. It can be a challenge for parents to balance love and limits. One practical way through the parenting maze is to look at your own behaviour and identify your parenting style. Parenting styles can be linked to the level of love (warmth) and limits that parents use.
- Authoritarian – high limits/low warmth.
- Indulgent – high warmth/low limits.
- Neglectful/Uninvolved – low warmth/low limits.
- Inconsistent – inconsistent limits/warmth.
- Authoritative – warmth and limits are of equal value.
Limits can be communicated in a warm way, using kindness and empathy. Rules or limits need consequenses, without a consequence a rule or limit is an empty threat. It is important to communicate the natural consequence or to set a consequence for not adhering to a limit. As children get older invite them to choose their own consequences, this teaches them responsibility and self-discipline. One of the most effective questions that a parent can ask themselves is (by taking this action) What am I teaching my child?
The Role Of Letting Go
Sharon Salzberg highlights that one of the challenges for parents is the moveable boundaries between parents and their children as they prepare their children to become independent. Traditionally there has been a lot of attention paid to attachment in parenting relationships and yet letting go is one of the hardest things that you will have to do as a parent. Sharon Salzberg says, “Letting go is an inside job, something only we can do for ourselves”
Conclusion
Parenting is hard work and parents can often feel criticized and uncertain of their parenting. Love, safety and positive emotion are conducive to flourishing relationships. Given the high cost of relationship breakdown, financially and emotionally, and the importance of the parenting role, investment in our relationships is a priority. Keeping the three-ring circus model in mind, we will meet some of our own needs, some of our partner’s needs and meet our children’s needs. Furthermore, creating a support network around your family will help to maintain this focus and lead to a higher sense of wellbeing.
‘It takes a village to raise a child’ Proverb
Further Reading
Brown, B. (n.d.). The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings on Authenticity,
Connection and Courage. Retrieved from https://audible.co.uk
Covey, S.R. (2017) The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. New York. Simon & Schuster.
Downey, I. & Furnish, K. (2015). Parenting A Violent Child. London: Darton, Longman and Todd Ltd.
Fredrickson, B. L. (2013). Love 2.0: Creating happiness and health in moments of connection. New York: Plume.
Goleman, D. (2006). Social Intelligence. New York: Hutchinson.
Loizzo, J. J. (2018). Love’s Brain: A conversation with Stephen Porges. Retrieved from https://nalandainstitute.org
Neff, K. (2013). Self-Compassion Step by Step:The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. Sounds True. Retrieved from https://audible.co.uk
Salzberg, S. (2017). Real Love The Art of Mindful Connection. London: Bluebird.
Schofield, T. J., Conger, R. D., & Neppl, T. K. (2014). Positive parenting, beliefs about parental efficacy, and active coping: Three sources of intergenerational resilience. Journal of Family Psychology, 28, (6), 973–978. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000024
Waters, L. (2017). The Strengths Switch. New York: Scribe.
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