Having A Voice And Using It

I was born in the time when a common belief was ‘children should be seen and not heard’. I carried that belief with me for 60 years. In my 60th year I resolved to let my voice be heard. There were a few other beliefs hidden underneath the umbrella of the large …children ‘should’ be seen and not heard.

1. What I have to say is not interesting (AKA I am not interesting)

2. What I know everyone knows

And the one that underpins them all

3. I am not good enough

Limiting Beliefs Related to Using My Voice

The most limiting thing about my limiting beliefs was that I had not challenged the fact that I am no longer a child and no one has ever said ‘adults should be seen and not heard’. As the youngest of 2 daughters, I felt like the child in the family. If there was ever a situation when I was required to speak out, my limiting beliefs kept me in check. When I explored this belief, my memories transported me straight back to my 9-year-old self, who was asked to scream in the school play and couldn’t … nothing came out. I also have a memory of me standing on a chair in full view of a class of 8-year-olds wearing an outfit that a family friend had made for me. I can feel the deep embarrassment of standing up, being apart, elevated above the crowd.

One of my top strengths is curiosity. I have a learning mindset … life is a learning experience to me. One of the things I have learnt is to listen, it is a great skill to have. Other people like to be listened to and appreciate a listening ear. I feel warm and fuzzy for giving my ear to others. I am a collector of experiences, knowledge and skills. Someone who is a collector can find it difficult to let go. I recognised that I needed to let go of the limiting beliefs that I held about my voice. Challenging ‘what I have to say is not interesting’ I realised that I did not think ‘I’ was interesting.

Interesting Things About Me

I represented my school in a swimming gala

I was a Southampton carnival princess

I got married at 18 and I am still married to the same lovely man

I have written a book

I have four children and 5 grandchildren

I am soft on the outside and have a core of steel … I will fight for what I believe in

I say yes…. a lot

I am 10 minutes late for most things

I am present and engaged

I have had Taekwondo lessons

I love to dance

I need to be alone to recharge

I’ve been a member of a Personal Development group for 30 years

I am a social entrepreneur

I am flourishing

I have a MSc in Positive Psychology

I love cruising

I am a podcaster

I enjoy laughter yoga

Interesting Things That I Know

Challenging the belief of ‘what I know everyone knows’ I reflected on some of the things that I have learnt and implemented in my life.

Maslow hierarchy of needs

Maslow was a social scientist. His theory stated that an individual has a set of needs that they seek to meet. They are hierarchal…basic needs, safety, love affection and belonging, self-esteem and self-actualisation.

Self-care

Self-care is not selfish. It is your responsibility to keep yourself in top condition, so that you can meet your needs as well as others.

Relationships

A strong sense of self is the best foundation for a healthy relationship.

Parenting

Parenting is a skill and can be taught. By taking this action what am I teaching my child. A rule without a consequence is an empty threat.

Running a business

Do what you can do well and outsource what you have difficulty with. Take all the support you can get and take regular breaks.

Happiness

There are two types of happiness, hedonism and eudaimonia. Hedonism is the hit, the quick fix, and Eudaimonia is the happiness linked to meaning and purpose

Kindness

Kindness, if genuine affects our physiology. One act of kindness can spread out to around 125 people.

Awe

Is the only positive emotion that does not involve smiling, it is linked to fear. The common factors are vastness/greatness and feeling small in comparison to the elicitor. For example, being in the presence of a force of nature like the Grand Canyon.

Hope

Hope can be linked to goals. There are two factors, will power and way power. Will power, or agency, is the belief that we have the skills to achieve our goals. Way power, or pathways, is the ability to find different ways to achieve our goals.

Grounding/being present

There are strategies that we can use to bring ourselves more present. These strategies are useful when we are anxious (a perceived threat) or afraid (a real threat)

5-4-3-2-1 Focus on 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can feel, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste.

Conscious breathing exercises will bring you into your body, rather than being in your head (overthinking).

Positive psychology

Traditional psychology focusses on dysfunction and disorder, exploring what is wrong, whereas positive psychology is the science of what makes life worth living. Positive psychology concentrates on strengths and builds upon what is going well. Positive psychology teaches us that there are strategies that we can use to overcome our negativity bias, increase our happiness and resilience which will help us to flourish and live a meaningful life. Positivity is A Work In Progress.

Laughter

Our body does not know whether we are laughing because we are amused or whether it is forced laughter. There are the same physiological, psychological and social effects. We do not have to wait for something to make us laugh, we can make the sounds of laughter ha ha ha, ho ho ho, and receive the benefits.

Self-compassion

Self-compassion is more than being kind to yourself, self-compassion is compassion turned inward. Using self-compassion, we can calm our judger voice and encourage our inner wisdom. We face up to our own suffering and learn to accept ourselves as human. The three elements of Self Compassion are, Self-kindness, Mindfulness & Common humanity.

Beliefs

Can be well hidden like secret orders in a sealed envelope. We act upon them without even knowing that they are there. Self-awareness can help us to open the envelope and make a choice whether to carry on behaving in this way or to make a change to our behaviour.

I Am Good Enough

And finally, there was the large hidden all-pervasive belief ‘I am not good enough.’

I asked myself – Not good enough for who?

For me? …. I chose to challenge my judgements and my expectation of my self

For others? I chose to challenge my tendency to compare myself unfavourably with others

And now I have worked diligently on myself. Reflected and sculpted my best self, cleared the clutter and allowed my true self to emerge. Treating myself with patience and kindness I learned to courageously speak out and use my voice.